Some people are good at processing their feelings on their own. They don’t feel compelled to share (or to overshare), and they can effectively compartmentalize, keeping what’s happening in one area of their life from oozing into everything else.
I admire these people, and their restraint. I’m glad (and lucky) that my husband is one of them.
I need the counterbalance. As many of you know (and have experienced first-hand), I’m not a compartmentalizer. I talk, and then I talk some more. There aren’t many pages of my open-book life that I haven’t made public, and you know how I approach mixing work and life.
I started this blog as a way to keep friends and family updated on this round of my thyroid cancer treatment, and I hope it’s been useful to you in that way. But it’s turned out to have another value. It’s been a space where I could sort through some of the myriad feelings that have cropped up in the last few months–feelings that I ignored or pushed through the last time, to no benefit at all.
But I’d be lying if I said it was easy to write so many of those thoughts down in a public place. I’ve hesitated to post entries like yesterday’s, and then even after I hit “publish,” I second guess myself. Am I coming off as too whiny? Ungrateful? Like I’m trying to get people to feel bad for me?
Those questions haunt me. I keep making myself write the less pleasant entries, anyway. I didn’t want this blog to be the white-washed version of cancer, or to give more ammunition to the people who call thyroid cancer “the good cancer.” Every cancer patient’s journey is different, and some more difficult than others, certainly. But cancer is cancer, and sometimes it just plain sucks. I couldn’t have written this blog and not been honest about that.
I’m encouraged, too, by so many other bloggers who have taken to the Web to share their (too often heartbreaking) stories. I’ve learned a lot from them about blogging and writing, yes, but also about adversity and love and triumph. I hope in some small way that I’ve been able to do some of the same with my measly 50 posts.
But now the question arises: What to do with the blog once this phase of treatment is over? I will go back to work in a few weeks, and I’m relatively sure you aren’t interested in the daily goings-on of a state government research group. I love writing, and especially writing in my own voice as I get to do here. But what should I write about from now on?