Breaking the Silence

You may have noticed that the blog has been kind of quiet lately.

(Unusual for me, I know.)

Truth is, I haven’t been sure what to write. It’s not that there hasn’t been a lot going on — travel, the end of the semester, blockbuster Sox signings, and Secret Santa shopping all would have provided plenty of fodder in the last couple of weeks.

But every time I started to write about them, I felt like a bit of a fraud. When I started this blog, I wanted to tell the truth — the good, the bad, and the ugly. Not every detail, of course — I don’t think even the seemingly most personal of blogs includes everything going on in the writer’s life — but the big stuff. The important stuff.

About cancer, and my life during and after it, that is.

I didn’t plan to write about some of the other big medical stuff going on — my endometriosis, and the two miscarriages we had between my first and second cancer treatments. Those just seemed too personal and too intense, even as many of you reading this blog were hearing about them directly from us.

That’s right — us. They are also a big part of B’s story. (That’s not to say my cancer isn’t — but in a different way.) So I hadn’t asked him if they were OK to talk about here, because I never really planned to.

Funny things, those plans.

I’m writing now — with his OK — because I had yet another miscarriage last week. And three miscarriages inside 21 months feels too big, while still intensely personal, to leave out of this story.

To answer your first question, we are OK. A bit shaken, and sad, and pissed off….but OK. We are getting by. We are going to work, to parties, to the gym, to dinner. Life goes on, in lots of funny, happy, seasonally appropriate ways. (If with slightly more wine and spiked eggnog than a couple of weeks ago.)

To answer your second question, no, as far as we know, this isn’t related to my cancer. Most thyca patients who want to go on to have healthy, normal pregnancies. All of my doctors — thyca-related and not — are on the same page around my treatment and the effect it should have. Whether I’m a special case…well, that’s always a possibility, but it doesn’t seem like the answer right now.

It’s more likely that my endometriosis is related to the recurrent losses. (For the record, I much prefer the term “recurrent loss” to “habitual aborter,” which is the absolutely horrid medical term used to describe women who have had three or more consecutive miscarriages.) How the endo is related, though, is a big question out there in the medical world.

So we look for possible answers that the medical world has figured out. One possibility is that I could have some sort of a clotting or autoimmune disorder. So Friday I gave enough blood to float a small fleet of ships, and with any luck, that will start to provide some answers. (My decidedly warped mind got a bit of a kick out of the fact that one of the genes I am being tested for is the MTHFR gene. Yes, you read that right. The motherfucker gene. OK, I’m sure it stands for something else, but the motherfucker gene is way more appropriate here.)

While we wait for those results, we’ll keep going to work, and to parties, and to the gym. (The last two go hand in hand, after all.) We are excited for a week and a half off to go home and kick back and celebrate Christmas with our families and friends.

Oh, and to count down to New Year’s. As best I can tell, this cluster of a year only has 11 days left. Bring on 2011.

And pass the egg nog.

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2 thoughts on “Breaking the Silence

  1. michele (& brian), thanks for sharing this. just as tears are streaming down my face, i get to your MTHFR comment! sending positive karma, thoughts, prayers your way! love you, mmw

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